Apr. 15th, 2012

forever_wandering: (ASHAMED)
You know those girls who stare in the mirror and see themselves as ugly fat women, no matter how thin they actually are? It dawned on me today that I might be becoming one. Today I tried on--and finally fit in to--a dress I had bought months ago. I had fallen in love with it the minute I saw it, so I bought it, despite it being several sizes too small. I told myself that I'd lose weight, fit in to it, and be the happiest person alive. Today, I should have been that happiest person alive. I was able to slip in to the dress and zip it up without a struggle. I had finally achieved my goal. The first thing to cross my mind however, as I stared at myself in the new dress was "God, I need to lose more weight." 

Now, I'm the first person to admit I need to lose weight. But I'm so disappointed that instead of enjoying the accomplishment of my first goal, that was all I could think about.  

PhotobucketNow that I've lost weight, not only can I comfortably fit back in to the clothes I brought with me, but I also have a lot of old clothes that are so big, I'm able to cut and stitch and wear in different fashions.  So, I've started looking at magazines again to see how I want to re-work all these old pieces.  The sewing machine is out and ready to go! I've never done anything like this before, so I'm interested in seeing how things turn out. 

It disappoints me that most of the styles I absolutely love require heels. By American standards, I'm short. By Japanese standards, I'm tall. Whenever I wear heels, I'm the same height (give or take a few inches) as a lot of my friends, and they hate that... so I've been trying to work them out of my wardrobe. 

When the boys are happy, I am happy. They do after all buy me nice things, feed me and take me on trips. Oh goodness, am I really a call-girl like that one person said?! 

PhotobucketI managed to pack everything I need for New York in to this little travel bag, and I still have room left over. I packed: 
★ 4 outfits with interchangeable pieces, totaling out to 16 different combinations. 
★ I set of PJ's. 
★ Hair iron. 
★ 4 pairs socks/undergarments.
★ Brush, Make up, toiletries.
★ Sunglasses .

I'll also have a second purse with my wallet and camera and things like that. Does it look like I'm missing anything? Since I always pack way more than I usually need, I'm looking at this list and keep thinking that I'm forgetting some important things. Of course I'm going to unpack and re-pack since I still have time, but I want to make sure everything is perfect. I wanna save all my money for omiyage! 

I'm feeling kind of nervous about meeting with R-san! Like I said, we've actually hung out together without anyone else being around, and now we'll be sharing a hotel room for about a week. 

I spoke to K-san about our August trip. It's going to be a three day trip. I don't feel like running around for three days, so I'm thinking I'll try to find some place that will take us three days to explore. I need to start looking at hotel rates, car rental rates...ect. Hm, I wonder why I always get stuck planning these little excursions? I've already won K-san's love and affection, so I'm more focused on what S-san wants to do during this trip. He likes historical places, New York, and Russia. Hm...I've never been to Russia....

Speaking of trips...I was originally supposed to go back to Osaka in December, but now I'm thinking about going back sooner. I found out my brother will be coming down to FL for the summer. I think I've mentioned it before, but I have a horrible relationship with my brother and sister. Basically, they don't acknowledge my existence. My siblings and I were never particularly close but my moving to Japan made us grow even further apart. The final blow was when I went to Alaska and snapped at my sister over her drug use that everyone seemed to be ignoring. My brother, being close to my sister, took her side. They talked to me for a while after the big Earthquake and Tsunami, but a few months after that, I guess they brushed me off again. 
Because they are both the babies of the family, whenever any of them are around, I'm automatically the evil child. Things get intense. I was really looking forward to more time with my parents but...I don't know if I'm going to stick around.  




"An ugly duckling growing out of her feathers."

Hello. I'm Zia, and this is most obviously my journal. I write about my life between Japan and the US, and all the adventures I find myself in. People often say they are envious of the life I seem to live, but the truth is, I feel a little unsatisfied with it myself, so I've decided to do something about it--to find what really makes me happy. Hopefully by documenting my life, I can figure out where I need to be heading. This journal is my way of opening my world to those around me in hopes of meeting people searching for the same thing or encountering people who have already gone through this kind of struggle. 

Back in my high school days, I used to be a bit of a nerd. I was really in to comic books of all kinds, action figures...all that jazz.  These days, though my interest in comic books re-surfaces every so often, I'm very much more in to things like fashion, dance, music, travel, tea, baking, writing letters, photography, animals and fitness. I'm a straight shooter--meaning I do not (or rather, can not?) lie. Keeping up with lies is too much trouble. 

Anyway, there is more information about me on my profile. Feel free to take a look there or catch me on another site★


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